On Motherhood

Ah, Motherhood.

The last seven weeks have been...well, I'm not sure there is enough room on this blog for all the adjectives I would need to describe the last seven weeks! But I'll try to somehow get all my thoughts down in one coherent post.

At church this past week, I walked past an older woman in my ward, Emmaline sleeping in my arms. She said, "Isn't it just the most fun you've ever had in your life?" And I hesitated. I'm not quite sure "fun" is the word I would choose. It's not fun to wake up and groggily figure out which blasted snap goes where on a sleeper after a diaper change at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's not fun to constantly be wiping some bodily fluid off of, well, everything all the time. It's not fun to have tears running down your face, screaming baby in your arms, with no idea how to make her stop crying. But then all of the sudden, almost out of nowhere, that little baby eventually will smile at you. REALLY smile. And you think your heart might burst. And you start to understand why people keep having kids. Because, man, those first few weeks are brutal, but as soon as you see that smile, you start to have a little fun.

I think the difficulty of having a newborn is something that doesn't get talked about a lot. Partly because it fades so quickly and we forget, but also because I think new moms don't want to admit they struggle. Everyone talks about how much they love being a mom, and you want to feel like you're doing everything right and you may think that means you shouldn't struggle. That you're supposed to have it all figured out because motherhood is natural, right? Well, it. is. HARD. There are days where I thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom. Some days where I cried all day. Some days where I wondered what I got myself into. But at the end of every one of those days, I would look at my sleeping daughter and feel such overwhelming love for her. And that would get me to the next day. And then every day progressively got better.

Motherhood is one of those things that you just kind of have to experience in order to really understand it. There are hundreds of books, websites, forums, and other experienced moms that can try to help you before you call yourself "Mom", but the true education comes from diving head first into the sleepless nights, the stacks of diapers, the spit up, and the fussiness that doesn't seem to stop no matter what you try. I have never cried more, bounced more, or slept less than in the past seven weeks.

But guess what?

I also haven't LOVED more. 

This little person who can't do anything for herself has brought me the greatest love I've ever known. From the feather-soft hair on her head to the teeny tiny pinky toes on her feet, she is my greatest joy. I would do anything to keep her safe and happy. I love her little grunts when she's waking up (even at 3:00 a.m) and the way she reaches her arms waaayyy above her head when she stretches. I love how she's starting to really experience what's around her. Her little head swivels back and forth to take in all the new sights. I love how she gears up for a huge sneeze. I love that she is learning to smile at us and love even more that she sometimes smiles at the wall. I love that she loves to stand up on her little legs when we hold her. I love that she has her dad's nose and her mom's distaste for being woken up.

I have never loved Kameron more. He is an amazing daddy who loves his daughter. Sometimes in the middle of the night if she's screaming during a diaper change, he will come in and hold her tiny hands to calm her down. When we were having issues with nursing in the beginning, he would pop one eye open in the middle of the night and drowsily give us words of encouragement. I love his patience. I love the smile on his face when he looks at his little girl. I love the way "daddy" looks on him.

I love my little family with everything I've got. I am so, SO blessed to have this little girl and this amazing man in my life. No, motherhood isn't easy. But, boy, is it worth it.